PYHO: Back Off

(Some friends of mine have been linking up to "Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday" with Shell. I've been meaning to join in for some time now, but I kept forgetting. Now that I have a little more availability, I hope to do this a little more often.)

(Warning: Curse words and plenty of sarcasm ahead.)

Anyone who knows me well knows that my middle name might as well be, "I Have An Opinion About Everything." There are few situations in which I will keep my mouth shut. If I do hold my tongue, you can bet I'm going to discuss it later. Some people might think I'm tacky or rude, but I don't really care. I am who I am. And, when I can and feel it's appropriate to do so, I'll hand out unsolicited advice like I'm Oprah and it's her Favorite Things Show. Advice and opinions for everyone! YOU get an opinion! And YOU get an opinion! Everyone gets opinioooooooooooooons!!!

Ironically, I get annoyed when people share their unsolicited opinions and advice with me. Like, really, really annoyed. Snarling dog annoyed. Back-the-hell-off annoyed.

When we found out that we were having a baby, there was no way to mentally prepare myself for the onslaught of advice I was about to get. Everyone from my mom to my boss to my coworkers to my friends to ladies at the supermarket gave me advice. And each and every piece of advice was something I SHOULD. BE. DOING. And naturally, each piece of advice I got contradicted the advice someone else had given me the day before. I thought, "Hey! I'll counter this with 'Thank you,  but I'm following my doctor's advice.' That will stop 'em!"

Instead, I got really bizarre looks from people, like I'd just said, "Really, there's no problem with heroin, especially when you're pregnant. It's just a recreational drug." And when I repeated myself, some people got even MORE forceful with their advice, as though my OB was mentally retarded and couldn't possibly see me through a healthy pregnancy. "NO, you don't understand Angie. You really need to be blah blah blah wah wah wah...."

It got to the point that by the end of my pregnancy, I didn't even listen to the good advice people passed along because I was so tired of everyone opening their mouth and telling me that they knew better than I did. I damn near bit a woman at work who tried to tell me that oatmeal helped your milk production. She was absolutely correct, but I just could.not.take one more piece of unsolicited advice.

Since becoming a mommy, it's almost gotten worse. I'm starting to think that half of the people I worked with felt I was completely unfit for motherhood and adulthood in general. It's only *mildly* insulting when someone who doesn't know your child tells you why they're crying and what you should do to stop it.

It's obnoxious when anyone--friends or strangers--tells you that your baby isn't dressed properly for the weather.

It's obscene when you're chastised for the parenting decisions you make--like vaccines or circumcision or working or not working--as though you made those decisions with the intention of actually hurting your child.

Because really, I chose to go back to work because I was so tired of being at home. Damn baby. She's so NEEDY. And whiny! God, she can't do anything for herself.

And, we chose to follow a normal course of vaccinations because we like seeing her stabbed with needles. I get a little thrill out of it each time she looks at me with that "OMG WTF WHY DID YOU LET THEM DO THAT TO ME" look on her face.

There is a small group of people in my life which has left me pleasantly surprised. They respect our decisions as parents and seem to understand that what Graham and I choose to do regarding our family is what's best for--gasp--our family. They might not agree with our decisions--I could really give a shit if they don't--but they respect them, and that's what I appreciate.

And then, there's that rather large (to me, but we all know my world view is a little skewed) group that wants to remind me at every possible moment that the parenting and life decisions I've made are BADBADBADBADBAD.

We cloth diaper (mostly), and that's bad because it's so much laundry. But we also use disposable diapers at night and on the road, so we clearly don't care about our environment.

I waited six months to start Hannah on solids because she wasn't ready, so I'm either selfish (because she relied solely on me for her nutrition) or ridiculous because WHY wouldn't I feed her solids the minute she could steady herself in a high chair? Or, because the calendar told me she was four or five months old, I should have started solids RIGHT THEN AND THERE because I could. The only hold up is me.

Hannah sleeps in her room in her crib. We must not care about her well being because she's sooooooo far away from us. And obviously, I'm a selfish mom because co-sleeping is the best possible arrangement for our family.

I'm a working mom, so we're either too poor for me to stay home or I don't care about her enough to stay at home with my baby. And when I leave work early to go home to her, I'm sending a message that I don't care enough about my job to stay late. Naturally, when I stay late it means I'd rather be at work than at home with my daughter.

And, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. I could go on, because every decision I've made has Hannah's mom has been/will be put under a microscope. But, I won't. Why? It won't solve anything.

To everyone who thinks that the decisions we've made are the wrong ones, I say this: Fuck you.

I love my daughter. She means the world to me. Sure, sometimes I make the wrong decision. I've never been a parent before and unfortunately for her, Hannah's the test dummy. I'm the oldest too, so I get that. Doesn't mean I'm happy about it.

But I would never, ever, EVER make a decision about her based on me and my selfishness. I would never make a decision about her care because it made my life easier. I would never make a decision about her that could put her in danger or make her sick.

When I ask for advice, it means I want it. I don't call her doctor's office just to say, "Hey, what's up, yo!" I call and say, "She has a cough, and it sounds like this. Want me to bring her in? If not, what should I do?"

We waited to start solids because she wasn't ready at 4 months and she wasn't ready at 5 months. We moved her to her crib upstairs because we wanted our bedroom back, yes, but because she wasn't waking up 75 times a night. She was ready. I went back to work because I--whoa!--like working. I just didn't like my job. My working means I'm making money. Making money means we can give her more, whether it's clothes or opportunities or an education or a friggin' pony. We chose to follow a regular course of vaccinations because hey! I really liked not having polio. I figure that's something Hannah will come to appreciate too.

When she's crying and looking around for me, she's either overwhelmed or hungry. And when I say she's hungry, I mean it. Holding a crying baby and telling me that "she just ate and couldn't possibly be hungry" isn't helping, it's just pissing off my baby.

What I find truly insulting, though, is when someone tells me what she needs. I have known her from the very beginning--before she could open her eyes in utero--so who the fuck are you to tell me what my kid is crying about and when she needs to be fed and when she's old enough to do A, B, and C? I'm her mommy. You damn well know that I know what she needs.

Bottom line: everyone needs to back off. When I want your advice, I'll ask for it.

What I Wish I'd Known Before I Got Married

A blogger friend of mine recently posted about the day her husband stood up to her for the first time and the challenges and (ultimately) good things it brought to their marriage. She ended by saying she wished she would have known that making changes to her language and the mindset she brought to their relationship was something she knew about before her wedding, not a few years after.

This got me thinking. Our marriage is by no means perfect, but I like to think we're pretty perfect for one another. We bring our own brands of weirdness to the table and we mesh pretty well. On the other hand, we're both pretty stubborn and when we each get passionate about something, we're bound to butt heads and exchange some words, a.k.a. shout at one another and get mad. I just wish that I would have known a few things before the wedding--though I probably wouldn't have listened anyway! That brings me to...

Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Got Married

1. No matter what, there's nothing I can do that will make my husband hate me, resent me, or leave me.

This sounds silly, but I guess I've just had a series of bad relationships, mostly with friends. Too often I had misunderstandings with friends that led to a falling out or parting of ways and what I once considered a close friendship unraveled quickly. Especially during our first year, I'd do or say something that would make Graham mad--not for very long--and he'd leave to go on a walk to clear his head. After the dust settled I usually sat on my own for a few moments, trying to clear my own mind, and I would start to freak out a little. "What will I do if he comes home and says he wants out?" My heart would race slightly and I'd really start to fear all the what ifs that plagued my mind. Instinctively, I knew that thoughts like these were silly. Deep down, I really and truly knew it. But something would just come to the surface--probably the product of some of those broken relationships--and I'd start to fear that the man I'd come to know would decide to throw away our history and the love we had for one another and just walk out. I know these thoughts are ridiculous, but it really took me most of our first year together to get over the fact that he's better than those unraveled friendships and he's not going to walk because we had a fight about something stupid.

2. We need to work together on financial matters.

This sounds pretty simple, but it's something I have really struggled with. I don't have very much self-confidence when it comes to anything involving math. (Heaven help me if our kids need help with their math homework!) It's never been a subject in which I've had confidence or been able to succeed. I notice even now that when a student asks me for help with math, I catch my breath and hesitate because I don't have confidence in my skills, even when it comes to simple addition or division or multiplication. I have some basic skills stored away in the back of my head, but the fear of being wrong really gets to me. This has spilled over into our finances, and I'm not gonna lie: I'd be more than happy to hand it all over and just be told what I can spend on food, shoes, etc. each month. I can follow directions, but when left to my own devices or when I'm expected to contribute, I get the shakes and feel like I can't do it. Graham, thankfully, has more confidence in my abilities than I do and he's refused to play Ward Cleaver to my June. He won't handle all the finances on his own and he forces me to sit down with him and work on the budget each month. He makes sure we sit down and discuss every financial decision (small ones not included). If it weren't for him, I'd be living in ignorance. I don't like to have a part in all of that because I'm afraid I'll do something wrong, but I do appreciate his...push...to make me a full partner and shareholder in all our finance discussions.

3. Family members can be a huge cause of stress.

Someone could have sat me down before our wedding and told me about every single instance in which a family member would cause us stress, and I wouldn't have believed them. "No! Our families are great! We're not gonna have any problems!" :

:pause for chortle::

The fact of the matter is that our familes are great and have been a wonderful source of support for us, there's no denying that. But there have also been times when one set of parents--in a few cases, both--or another family member has caused one or the both of us to catch our breath and bite our tongues. It's really true when you marry someone that you marry their family too. Suddenly their problems are your problems. Woo! It's like a two-fer. Some parents and family members can be very hands-off, others very hands-in. It's been a learning experience for both of us, learning to be married and balancing learning the dynamics of the other person's family. This has been especially challenging because we didn't live together before we got married so our first year was full of juggling all sorts of things.

We're still trying to figure things out, and I think it's resulting in a lot of good. Especially with a baby on the way, knowing how to deal with our families and what makes each person tick is a good thing.

This list could get longer, but I've got some things to catch up on. See you later, taters.

The Pioneer Woman Cooks! In Chicago!

In November, I really hit a low point. You can read about it under "house crap", but aside from all that I really hit a low point in my life and my emotions. My friend Lisa ('memba her?) pulled my sorry butt all the way out to Skokie for a meet n' greet and book signing for one of my favorite bloggers, The Pioneer Woman. If you're not a longtime reader, I'm a pretty big fan of PW, as her faithful readers call her. I find her writing style to be really witty and funny, and I like that nearly all her blog posts are picture-laden, so you not only get the step-by-step in the cooking process, but you'll also get breathtaking photos of sunsets and bassett hounds. Gotta love it!

Lisa and I stood in line for hours--hours!--to get our books signed by Ree, and Lisa actually ended up leaving at 10 p.m. because we still hadn't gotten close and it was way past her bedtime! All in all, it was a good time, and I'm glad I went and got to meet one of my fellow bloggers, despite my haggard appearance and fall-on-my-face first impression. Oh well. At least I got to meet her!

Before the book signing, this lady gave us the details about the signing and how everything would work.

She was wearing a nice skirt.

Yay! Ree finally arrived!

As you can see, Ree is pretty popular.

Really popular.

Kind of insanely popular, in fact....

Really awkwardly popular....

Ree was kind enough to do a question and answer session with everyone here. Way nicer than I would have been!

She even gave us an Ethel Merman impression!

Lisa had to leave. She was tired and had to get up to go to the gym the next morning. She's totally hardcore. I started taking pictures once I got "close".

Think this is far? We started all the way back here....

Getting a little woozy...

Some of the scenery on the way.

It would have been entirely possible to read this whole damn book during the wait time.

Holy crap! Marlboro Man!

I thought about throwing myself onto this pile of books from the balcony. It looked soft.

Note to self: Start Christmas shopping.

Closer!

I looked at these "goal posts" like the touchdown. The stairs were the field goal.

Hooray! I made it to the bottom! By now my feet were wicked pissed.

While we were waiting in line, this lady wasn't terribly friendly, but I liked to think that her feet were sore too.

But she was right in front of me. I WAS NEXT!!!

Okay, Ree and I did pose for a picture, but it didn't take or something, because it wasn't even on my memory card when I got home that night. Poop. The best I've got is this blurry one.

Ree was perfectly lovely and made great conversation for the few minutes we sat together. I made a great first impression by getting to the front of the line and modestly shouting, "Oh, thank GOD! A CHAIR!"

I've got great people skillz.

I promise, I didn't puke all over my brand new cookbook. I just like to look like I'm going to.

And to top off the night....

My very own photo with Marlboro Man! See? I can take a nice photo, Mom! My hair was all curled and everything.

Overall, it was a fun evening. It was great to get away and hang out with Lisa for a few hours, and it was exactly what I needed at that moment. PW is just as funny as she is on her site, but a little more reserved. I think most bloggers are. It's so easy to be funny and silly behind your laptop's keyboard, but throw yourself in front of some fans and BAM! Insta-fright. I think Ree did great in holding her own with the large crowd. Hopefully she'll pen another cookbook soon(ish) so I can see her again...and get a seat this time!