Tuesday, September 20, 2011

PYHO: I am enough.



I had a friend for a while in college and afterwards. We don't talk much anymore, it's been well over a year since our last conversation. Like every good creeper human old friend (?) occasionally I'll find myself looking for her blog in my bookmarks to see what's new, if there's anything worth reading up on. And lo and behold, I find her blog has changed. Again. There's usually a final post directing readers to a new blog designed to reflect a new position or outlook on life, and that is only if the blog hasn't been deleted entirely from the Internet's memory. I've gone back and forth over this pattern in my head, and while part of me admires the visual change, the new blog commemorating this new start or outlook, the commitment to "the new me her", the other part of me is left scratching my head. I've seen her blog frequently over the last few years, and much like Madonna sans entourage and strange British accent, she goes to lengths to completely reinvent herself and find a purpose in life. If Carrie Bradshaw were here, she'd probably say, "I can't help but wonder...what about her isn't good enough?"

I've blogged before about the struggle to keep it all together. It's hard to balance everything in life. Quite frankly, there aren't enough arms on my body or hours in the day to make it all work. How can I go to work (and perform well!), bathe and feed my baby, and keep the house in decent shape? How can I find time to fit in piles of dirty dishes, laundry, go over the budget with Graham, and still watch Glee and play on the interwebs? How can I remember to make time for myself in all of this?

I can't. Something's gotta give.

With my new job, there's a definite balancing act we're working on these days. We're trying to find a new routine that works for us and is best for Hannah. It hasn't been easy. I've been dealing with a lot of guilt over the last week, wondering if we made the best decision. What if I was staying home? Then Boops and I would be together all the time, and I wouldn't miss her all day. But if I did that, our income would take a hit, and I'd feel guilty about that. And, knowing myself as I do, I'd eventually tire of being alone with Hannah all day. I'd crave adult interaction.

I keep feeling like I need to be more, do more. I look around and feel like a bad grownup because the house is a mess. I clean but then feel like a bad mom because Hannah wants my attention and is starting to cry and crawl towards me. I play with Hannah on the floor and Jane comes scrambling over as she's been recently diagnosed with ADD--Affection Deficit Disorder. If I devote my time to Hannah and the cat, it's only a matter of time before my husband starts to feel neglected. And if I throw myself into everything else, I start to deteriorate.

It's really easy, looking at blogs, to compare yourself and feel less than. SAHMs make me feel guilty for working. Working moms make me feel guilty for not making more money, or making enough. But then I have to stop myself and say, "You ARE enough, dammit."

My family doesn't need a super woman. They don't need me to rearrange my life and priorities. I don't need to delete my blog and start over to convince myself that this reinvention is going to fix some or all of our problems. What my family needs is for me to be me. They need me to be a mom who plays with her baby when the dishes need to be done. They need me to know when to stop blogging because laundry is piling up. But what they need more than anything is me. Me & my undivided attention.

I'm enough. I'm good enough. My working-mama-laundry-slackin'-commuting-back-and-forth-self is enough.


3 comments:

  1. where's the like button when I need it?!?!

    ReplyDelete
  2. What was that famous quote by that SNL Smalley character? "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!" Well, I think you're great, smart & I definately like you! Keep up what you're doing! :-)

    ReplyDelete

Tell me what you think. For serious.