Thursday, September 8, 2011

Why I Never Have To Sign For UPS Ever Again, or Why Our UPS Driver Doesn't Come Back

I can't believe I'm about to share this story.

Back at the end of May, when I was still at work, I picked up Hannah from the babysitter's and walked home. Graham had a meeting after work and took the car. It was a beautiful day, warm and sunny, and as soon as we got home I left the door open and opened up some windows to let in some light and air.

As soon as I took Hannah out of the car seat, she started rubbing her face in my shirt and headbanging my boobs. Much like me, she makes her motives clear. I said to myself, "Screw it!" I unbuttoned my shirt completely, dropped it on the bed, and walked into the living room so I could nurse Hannah and spread out on the couch.

About 10 minutes in, I hear a truck outside. I glance over my shoulder and see a UPS truck out front. The driver approaches the door, holding a small box.

The doorbell rings.

The screen door opens.


He says,

"UPS!" As friendly as he could possibly be!

Cut to....

Me. On the couch. Nursing.

Shirtless. Boobies and stretchmarks on display. Child slurping hungrily.

Me: (smile) Oh, just drop it on the couch! I'd greet you, buuuuuuuuuuuuut.....

UPS guy: (white face, open-mouthed)(backs away)

He runs down the walk and hops into his truck, never to be seen again.

No, really. We have the same UPS guy in this neighborhood. Hannah's sitter has lived around here since 1998 and has always had the same driver. Since that day, anytime UPS comes to the door, or anywhere near our block, it's a DIFFERENT DRIVER. And they all just drop the packages and run. I am. not. kidding. We are officially "that family".

I don't know how to feel about this. On one hand, GOOD! He shouldn't ever come 'round these parts again! Who just walks into someone's house?

On the other hand....what the hell??? Did my stretch marks scare him off? Is there something off-putting about my home? Or was it the mere sight of a topless, stretch-marky woman relaxing on the couch with a suckling infant a bit too much for him to handle?

I imagine he thought his, "Dear Hustler, I never thought this would happen to me" letter would have ended much differently.


  1. I cannot believe he just marched into your house! I would have been so mad!

  2. I am horrified by too many things here.


    Second, HE SEES YOU NAKED!?

    This is the mother of all stories!


Tell me what you think. For serious.