Saturday, July 9, 2011

She wants me.

"I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you love me...."

--Cheap Trick

When I was anxious throughout my pregnancy and the early days of parenthood, I was so afraid that Hannah would hate me, or that she'd prefer her dad over me, or her grandma, or her babysitter, or anyone else. I had myself convinced that my baby couldn't love me, or wouldn't.

She's definitely a daddy's girl. Her face lights up when she sees Graham. And, after a long day at work, she smiles when she sees me and her legs start kicking like crazy. Still, I've always felt that I was her "second" option to Graham. There have been so many times when no matter what I did, she never calmed down for me. But, when Graham picked her up or entered the room, she'd burst into a huge grin and kick wildly for her daddy.

I wanted her to love me above all others. Isn't that the secret wish of every parent? It's a selfish wish, yes, but I think that at some point, we'll all get a secret thrill out of knowing our child wants to be in our arms over anyone else's, even that of their other parents.

Well. That was then.

Separation anxiety has begun to set in with Hannah. I've noticed it growing over the last few weeks, but especially when she's in the same room with us but not in our laps, like when she's in the jumperoo or the bumbo. At night when I put her down to sleep she fusses a little more than in the past and she reaches up towards me. If she's cool with being in the jumperoo but I dare to leave the room to use the bathroom or answer the phone, she cries and fusses.

Basically, I've noticed that if she's not with or near me, she's distressed. And I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it.

On one hand, I love it. I love knowing that she loves me and wants me. I love knowing that she feels safest in my arms.

On the other hand, I'd also like to be able to pee in silence.

But you know what? I wouldn't change this. My baby wants to be held. Is that so terrible? It isn't.

My baby, my seven month old, wants to be held. I can do that. It's only for a little while, and some day, she won't need me or want me.

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