When Graham's away...

Angie will....not do much of anything, truth be told. I've been a bit of a slug the last 24 hours. If you had asked me a week ago if I was dependent upon my man, I'd have probably hit you square in the jaw. "Of COURSE I'm not dependent on him! Are you HIGH, Clairee?"

But after the last 2 afternoons and evenings, I've realized that I'm far more dependent on him than I realize. Oh sure, I can cook for myself and do the dishes and clean the bathroom. Lord knows that if I didn't have Graham my butt wouldn't be any smaller. Graham being away reminds me of "my single days" (may they rest in peace) and the year I spent at the boarding school being a mom to 30 teenage girls when I had no freakin' clue what I needed in my life--probably not the best career move, in retrospect. At the boarding school, I had so much time on my hands, it was ridiculous. Weekends were the worst. When I worked Fridays-Sundays I couldn't leave the building, so I did a lot of sitting. And reading. And thinking. I thought about my upcoming wedding and about where the hell I'd be working in just a few months because the boarding school was kicking me out. Mostly, though, I thought about how lonely I was. Unfortunately for Graham and those patient enough to stick with me, I was pretty pathetic. My coworkers and I didn't really mesh, and while normally that's not something I'd take issue with, they were my only neighbors, my only real connection to life outside the boarding school. For whatever reason, two of them especially couldn't quite get past the fact that we all worked together and didn't need to like one another, but should at least get along for the better of the girls. Because they clicked instantly and I ended up in the dust, and because I really didn't have friends in the Chicago area at the time (all my friends from high school and earlier had moved on) and Jacksonville was an extra hour away from the boarding school, I spent a lot of time alone.

I was miserable that whole year. The last few months of 2006 and pretty much all of 2007, save the last few weeks, was the worst time of my life. I was lonely all the time and I really let it get to me. I'm not one to care what other people think of me, but I really started to dwell on it. What was it about me that made my coworkers not want to hang out with me? Did I smell funny or something? I did everything I could to get out and meet people: I took dance classes, I attended various churches and bible studies in the area, I even wandered around a local residential college and spent time in their library and dining hall in the hopes that someone near my age might strike up a conversation with me. It didn't really work, but dammit, I tried.

I was so glad to finally move away from the boarding school, my coworkers, and that entire situation. I felt so much healthier once I'd left it all behind me. I was back living with my parents for a few months and while that wasn't completely ideal, at least I had people I could talk to when I was bored or excited! At least I could have a conversation with someone.

Since we've been married, we've been away from one another for an extended period three different times. The first was shortly after our first anniversary when I went on a retreat with our 8th grade class last January. The next time was just last month when I went to L.A., and obviously this week makes #3. I never realized before how quiet this place is with no one to share it with! The apartment seems a lot bigger without Graham here.

He'll be back (hopefully) by 12:30 Saturday afternoon, so it's really only one more day without him. Friday promises to be pretty busy for me, so here's hoping the time passes quickly so we can get back to our normal, boring, ho-hum routine with one another.