A slight exaggeration, perhaps, but bear with me. Today sucked.
I've been having some issues at work over the last few weeks, and some of them have come to a head. Out of respect for my boss and the students at my school I won't go into them here, and to be perfectly frank, it's the internet, people!!! Lord knows that with my luck over the last few months, anything else I write could be/will be forwarded to my boss right away. More than anything else I'm covering my butt. However, via friendly phone call or email, we'll be in touch.
That being said, yeah. I've had a rough few weeks. I've been casually browsing for other work opportunities since Decemberish, but not too seriously because my students are important to me and I don't plan on leaving them mid-year. Their education is of the utmost importance. to me.
But after today, I'm starting to seriously consider moving in another direction. It's not a decision I'm making lightly, and the thought of leaving some of the kids behind squeezes my heart. In many ways, I feel like I've just gained the trust of some of them and that's something I'm tremendously proud of. The traditional Latino community is slow to grant trust to "an outsider" or someone they're unfamiliar with, and to know that I've gained the trust and confidence of many older students and families gives me pride and makes me reconsider the very thought of looking at "Career Opportunities". But then I look at the bumps in the road that I've hit over the last few weeks and during the course of the last school year and makes me consider whether I'm just delaying the inevitable.
In short, things have been difficult. I love the students I work with, and the families are great. I'm so proud of them when I see students accomplish what they thought they couldn't, and I'm VERY proud of myself when I see a 5th grader working in PowerPoint or inserting images into a Word document. I know that I taught them that, and that's a feeling that's unlike any other. I taught someone something useful! Yee-haw and howdy doody!
Because I love the kids at school so much, I want to stay. Unfortunately, some of what I've encountered lately makes me wonder if staying, even for their sake, is worth it. I suffer from a tremendous amount of guilt-by-association. I feel that even by considering a new career path that I'd be letting them down, and the morals I'm unlucky enough.....er, blessed to have makes me want to sit in the corner for 30 minutes and think seriously about the faces I'd be letting down. So many of the students I work with have already been let down by adults they've grown close to. How can I look at myself in the mirror the next day and not feel guilty? I'll have to tell those little faces that I'm just another adult they can't trust.
Sigh. Like I said, guilty-by-association.
And then, there's my own mental and emotional health. I don't think I can take another year like this one. I don't know that my doctor will let me, truth be told. I think she'd sooner lock me in a closet and order me to grad school. So....THAT will be a SUUUUUUUUUUUPER fun conversation to have. :-/
And just for the hell of it, let's throw the possibility of grad school into the mix. I'm just 25 (almost 26), and there's still "plenty of time" for stuff like kids and traveling and new adventures, but the amount of feasible time for me to get my MLS or even enter grad school is slipping away. I'm pretty certain that I won't graduate with a Master's sans children, but life is funny and things change, so who am I to say? But in reality, when I look at our future hopes and dreams, I'll most likely be stretching myself thin by the time I finish. Hopefully not, but I know me. I'm a big fan of spreading myself as thinly as possible.
Since October, I've gotten more and more attached to the idea of grad school, and I'd really love to start to pursue my degree. Now that a friend of mine has started a grad school course of her own, I'm even more excited about it. But, as my schedule stands for next year, I'd be teaching, Developmenting, Alumniing, Wife-ing, renovating, and schooling. Why don't I just slit my wrists now and save us all the trouble, eh?
Long story short, I've got a lot of unanswered questions staring me in the face. I dunno. Maybe this is God's way of telling me that it's time to move on. Maybe this is God's way of strengthening me. Maybe God's bored and using me to play chess! Who knows? Maybe God is just sitting back and has nothing to do with this situation and is waiting for me to come out on what is hopefully the side I'm supposed to come out on.
I need to do a lot of praying about this. I've talked with Graham about our options for the next year, and Mr. Voice of Reason has an opinion of his own, and sadly for me he is my voice of reason, and his points are incredibly valid and will come into play a lot as I wrap up my school year. Oy vey.